I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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