Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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