I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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