Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My cat gives me a boner
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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