I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
