My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
