I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
