I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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