You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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