ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
