You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
