Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
