So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
