and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Randomize
