Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
