Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
