How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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