I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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