Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Actions speak louder than pants.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
