What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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