If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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