onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
