I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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