I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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