my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
