I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
