I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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