This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
