tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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