Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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