I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
