Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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