Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Even my vagina gasped.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
