the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
