The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
