How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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