life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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