I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Never let your siblings swipe right.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
