I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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