He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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