omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
