Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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