you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
