mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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