Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
high people should be assigned attendants
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
