why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
