Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
