$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
