Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
