he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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