You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
