Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
